وصلتني عبر البريد الالكتروني.... لا تعليق!

استيقطت الصغيرة من نومها بعد أن وخز الجوع بطنها الضامر...

أَنّتْ تشكوه لأمها المسندة رأسها إلى عمود خيمةٍ فَرْشها أجساد أعياها الانتظار وهدّها انقطاع الأمل...

مدت الأم يدها تفتش في الكيس الخاوي منذ عدة أيام إلا من بقايا طعام ادخرتها عبر الأسابيع، أخرجت كِسْرة خبز يابسة، هي كل ما تبقى لها ولابنتها، ناولتها إياها... قضمتها الصغيرة،

وهمست إلى أمها متوسلة: - متى نعود لدارنا يا أمي؟ - قريباً إن شاء الله-

لم ليس الآن؟ أوحشتني الدار-؟ لأن المعبر مغلق-

ومن أغلقه؟- السلطات المصرية-

لماذا؟- لأن الإسرائيليين لا يريدون فتحه-

ألن يفتحوه أبداً؟- سيفتحونه عندما تعود قوات السلطة الفلسطينية -

فمتى تعود؟- ما عاد هناك سلطة فلسطينية، بل 'حماسية' أو 'فتحاوية'-

فما لي أنا وهذا كله يا أمي؟- أنتِ عربية

تحيرت الصغيرة ذات السنوات السبع، صارعت خوفها من أن تغضب أمها، واستجمعت جرأتها لتعاود التساؤل: -أليست مصر عربية يا أمي؟- بلى-

والسلطة عربية؟- بلى-

وفتح عربية؟- بلى-

وحماس عربية؟- بلى-

ويلقون بي في العراء، يغتصبني الموت جوعاً ومرضاً، لأنني عربية؟!- ...... ......

كفاكِ أسئلةً، ولتنامي.

استسلمت الصغيرة لعجزها عن الإدراك، ترفقت بأمها المتعبة، خبأت رأسها في حِجْرها.

هربت دمعة جزعى في غفلة من اصطبار الأم المتماسكة، لاحقتها عبر خـدٍّ شفّه الأرق... ربتت صغيرتها، التي أغمضت عينيها، وقضمت اللقمة الأخيرة من كِسْرة الخبز، قبل أن تهمس بصوتٍ واهنٍ، يتردد بين الصحو والنوم: -

أماه- نعم يا حبيبتي-

لماذا لم تقولي لهم إني إسرائيلية؟!

I read to know

and i want to know everything

حققوا أحلامكم ولو بفكرة مجنونة

فالعمر أقصر من أن نعيشه بالقيود

Things that disturbed me from the moment I woke up (8am) until 9:30am:
1- A strong storm that scared me to the point of not wanting to go to work.
2- Looking for my clothes, socks, shoes jacket etc, that were unnecessarily packed.
3- The pants I wanted to wear was wet.
4- That jacket I wanted to wear was not with me.
5- Hardly was I able to push my flesh inside my car because another car was blocking the door.
6- My jeans got wet in the process (refere to #5 above).
7- My hair got wet.
8- The news on the radio (in Lebanon).
9- At work: the financial auditor's curiosity and nosiness.
10-At work: the Lawyer's voice (ouffff)
11- AT work: I found out that my white shirt got black spots due to the process described above (#5)
12-On the phone: I will not be able to see my boyfriend for a few days , all due to an unintentional mistake by me. He's not upset or anything, but we just cant meet.

This is all in an hour and a half, so I guess it is going to be one of those days.....

اليوم انا اؤمن بشدة بالمثل الشعبي

"رضينا بالهمّ والهمّ مش راضي فينا"

اعتقد بانه يجب ان يكون لنا مستوى معين كي يرضى فينا الهمّ

فبكل مأساة البعض منا يأبى الهمّ أن يستقبلهم ، فحتى الهمّ يرفضهم، أف

أف أف

رجاءا" افهموني

في البداية أود ان اقول : شكرا لكل المهتمين بنا وباوضاعنا في لبنان
ولكن...من الممكن أن نكون جميعنا اطفال أو أشخاص لا نملك الخبرة في ادارة شؤون بلدنا ، ولكن الانسان يتعلم من أخطائه وأخطاء الآخرين
نشكر جميع ارآئكم ونصائحكم ، ولكن... ارائكم في معظم الاحيان هي نتيجة الاعلام المسيّس وليس بناءا" على معطيات وعلى حقيقة الامور
ارآء الجميع مبنية على "صور" وما ينقله الاعلام الذي هو غالبا ما يكون يتفق او يدعم حزب او طرف معين

الخلاف في لبنان هو خلاف سياسي بامتياز وهو امتحان صعب على الجميع وذلك لأن العالم كله له تأثير ونفوذ ولو قليل علينا وعلى ارائنا السياسية هنا، والصراع ينفذ هنا

يزعجني جدا ان اقراء هنا وهناك من تنظير علينا وعلى ما يجب أن نفعل وذلك من اشخاص يعيشون في دول لها مشاكلها الخاصة والتي غالبا مثل ان لم تكن اصعب من مشاكلنا

الجميع يعطينا نظريات بحب الوطن وبان ما نفعله غباء وباننا نضيع بلدنا

اتركونا بسلام نحل مشاكلنا

اتركونا نتعلم كيف ندير بلدنا

اتركونا نتحمل مسؤولياتنا واذهبوا انتم لتحمل مسؤولياتكم

هل انتهت كل مشاكل بلادكم لتتحولوا وتبدأوا بمناقشة مشاكل بلدنا التي لا تعلمون عنها سوى القليل لانكم لا تعلمون عنها سوى انه بلد جميل بطقسه وجباله وعمرانه وحريته واماكن سهره وفنادقه ومطاعمه؟

أتفهّم رأي شخص لبناني مهما اختلفت معه بالرأي لأن بالنهاية لبنان هو لبناننا جميعا

القليل من اللبنانيين يتعاطى شؤون وأمور البلدان الأخرى، وان اعطى احد رايه باي من امور الدول الاخرى يهاجم ويقال له "الاسلام" و" "العروبة" الخ الخ الخ

وبالمقابل الجميع يعطي تحليلاته للوضع ويبريء شخص ويدين شخص اخر وفي اغلب الاحيان لمجرد ان هذا الشخص ينتمي الى طائفة او ملّة معينة

تكفينا مشاكلنا فدعونا من ارائكم التي تغرز السكين أعمق في الجرح

اتركونا بسلام وانصرفوا لتحليل مشاكلكم

واتركونا نختلف وحدنا، فلبنان سيجمعنا

New Beginning

Do I see new familiar colours in my life?
Am I getting into this difficult soul and emotional grinding relationship again?
Do I still have the energy to bring out the greatness and talents in someone who will not be with me in the future to thank me for his success?
Am I happy? YES!
Do I want to go on? YES!
Do I feel guilty? :( No!
Should I feel guilty? I don’t know.
Do I have some effect on him? YES, and I enjoy it!
Where to? I don’t know.
How long? I’m not sure.
Will I be hurt when it is over? Maybe, big possibility.

I think that a great love is the one that ends at ‘the end’.
The one that does not lead to marriage.
The one that causes pain and when the two lovers cry.
This is the love that does not die. The one that might return to your memory after years and makes you smile and imagine what your life could have been like with this person.
Your stomach tickles and your heart feels warmer and you wake up from your dream by the laughs of your child and your life goes on.

My dear friend.... I'm trying to understand u

"All the men i knew were able to fall in love and get married...... but not to me"
she said with a straight look in her eye, and she cried.
She cried for her emotions.
She cried for all the good memories she gave all the men she knew.
She cried for understanding all of them who passed through her life but who never understood her.
She cried for her youth.
She cried for her worn out emotions and her long wasted years.
She cried for the lost love and the 'never showed up' love.
She cried because of her loneliness.

I listened and listened.
I tried to understand her.
I tried to make her feel better and to let all out of her mind and feelings.
I wanted her to feel better, but would she?
I myself felt bad enough to hear all that distress in her voice, and see all the agony in her tears.
Can I really help?

I know that she does not need understanding, that she needs to be lifted off her misery and be given a straight and final solution.
Trying to understand her is not enough, i know.
But what can one do to someone who says "i forgot how two people who are in love behave, what they do and what they say to each other, how they feel when together and how they miss each other when separated."

قومي يا بيروت قومي

"ستقتلون لبنان وتندمون"

نزار قباني

سألوني شو صاير ببلد العيد

مزروعة عالداير نار وبواريد

قلتلون بلدنا عم يخلق جديد

لبنان الكرامة والشعب العنيد

غناء السيدة فيروز

يستحق لبنان السلام. يستحق الحياة.

الصحافي فؤاد ابو زيد - جريدة الديار 23/12/2006

يا بيروت يا ست الدنيا يا بيروت

نعترف أمام الله الواحد نعترف

بأنا جرحناك

وأنا أتعبناك

وأنا حرقناك وأبكيناك

وأهديناك مكان الوردة سكينة

غناء السيدة ماجدة الرومي

New Rules, Principles and Logic .

Why have i become so violent?

Did i lose my kindness, calmness, leniency?

I used to be accused of being so much diplomatic.

It happened that i have become so much strict and rigid.

My stubbornness is killing me.

My expired principles are chocking me.

Am I throwing all my trouble and sadness in the face of anyone who cares to come closer to me and it happens that he came late?

So what if he came late?

Does he deserve all that bitterness?

Is he the one to blame?

I am not to blame, and definitely not him.

I need to go back and try to bring the peace inside of me again.

It hurts so much to be stubborn.

As for my rules and principles, they have really become out of date and obsolete so long ago.

It is true that i need to amend my principles.

However, it is very hard to accept today what you refused all your life.

I think i will try and live without all these principles and rules for a few weeks.

I will stop talking logic, thinking logic, and analysing logic.

Logic is "OUT" temporarily.

I will try and go back to my childhood, maybe then i will be able to establish new rules, principles, and logic.

Pitty Lebanon

7aram ya libneen...

7aram libneen...

7aram...

ANGER

I got angry from a small word said by my auditor.
A word he should not have said to me, but he was rescued, from me ;) by my boss who called after him and gave him a nice strong lecture not to disturb me anymore.

But...
I am still angry.
My stomach aches and my face is boiling.
And i am angry.

Strange how a small word can take a calm person from paradise to a volcano.

Julia Botros...

عاشت جوليا المقاومه

We waited for her for 3 hours.

Every time our patience started to decline, someone came and filled us again, with hope, expectation and patience

The atmosphere was glamorous, fabulous, intoxixating.

Her brother, ZIAD, was almost running throughout the place, making sure everything was in place and running smoothly and as planned.

People gathered at the door waiting to be let in.

Men in suits and women in night dresses. Others wearing jeans and some wearing training suits.

Some had their hair done while others barely had combed it.

Strange this woman that can gather such a mixture of social classes.

It wasn't a question of the number of attendants as i believe that anyone, with good advertisement, can gather relatively acceptable number, but JULIA has her special taste.

Everything was in place. And everyone at his place. As if even the crowd had rehearsed for days. The discipline was more than expected, thanks to the security persons and thanks mainly to the people who came in to celebrate with Julia, and wanted nothing more.

WOW Julia.

She came in between the cloud of smoke, and at the clapping of the old and the shouting of the youngsters who entertained the crowed for 2 hours before Julia appeared on stage.

"من لوّث أرضي بدمائه قد رحل الآن، وفر كذليل تائه، كأي جبان،... قد هزم الآن، انتصر لبنان"

Is her new song.

She started with her new song "Lebanon Won". It was a great song dedicated to our beloved country that survived despite the wounds.

She captured the eyes, the brains, the hearts for 2 hours.

I am still captured untill today. I am still intoxicated.

I did not want to blink as i was afraid i might lose the connection with this respectful woman who was greeted by 6000 persons all stood to welcome her on stage.

Fists were punching the air, all singing with her and screaming "قاوم فيداك الاعصار" and "منرفض نحنا نموت".

She had to return to the stage 3 times before ending the show, as if she was also captured by the atmosphere and didn't want to leave.

People threw flowers at this great woman who declared her love for Lebanon over and over again.

Her discipline was very obvious everytime she tried to hide the little bit of her shoulders showing from her dress.

She made us proud we were lebanese because she was one.

JULIA BOTROS, may you live long so that more and more people would feel, as we did yesterday, the pride of belonging to the SMALL-GREAT RESISTANT LEBANON.

GOD BLESS U.

There were moments when I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore and that I would collapse, but I was always wrong. I survived and became more strong.

IS IT TRUE THAT WE GET OUR PROBLEMS IN LIFE ACCORDING TO OUR ABILITY?

OR

IS IT MORE TRUE THAT TIME & FORGETFULNESS ARE THE CURE TO ALL PROBLEMS AND CATASTROPHES??

I Miss U ...

I suddenly miss everyone I know.
I don’t know why, and I have no reason to.
Is this a sign for something?
Am I going to die soon?
Am I missed at the same moment by the same people?
Don’t know.
I am not negative at all, but this is just a thought today at 2:00 pm lebanon time.

POSITIVE

Positive ....
Positive...
I am trying to be positive today...
Can anyone help?

Happiness??...

Relative to my previous post, I want to talk about happiness.
Is there a scale to measure happiness? Is it a state by itself? What are the prerequisites for happiness?
Well, I think that Happiness is relative and as such it differs from one person to another.
Some people think that their happiness lies in the area of their deprivation.

People who have no children think that a baby would certainly bring back happiness to them. Others think that when they change their job they would achieve the ultimate Happiness. Others, especially young ladies tired from their fathers’ control, wish to marry to be happy.
And so on…
However, I think that Happiness is with what we have now and not what we are deprived of and what we wish to obtain.
Happiness is now and today.
This means that we have to practice to be thankful with what we have in order to become happy today.
We need to have a certain level of acceptability to our current situation so as to be happy, but not to the extent of losing our enthusiasm for achieving long-term goals. This is because happiness is on the way and not the destination.
For example, I find that we enjoy preparing for a wedding or a party more than the celebration (of a few hours) itself. We might be preparing for weeks or even months and the celebration ends in just a few hours.

However, the difficult question is here… How can we enjoy what we have today??
I honestly don’t know.
As I grew up I practiced patience to change the things I can (until I do change them), and acceptability of the things I cannot change (until the situation changes by itself). And believe it or not, I was always thankful and happy, feeling that I have all that I want in life.
But…. Now I feel I have nothing.
A few weeks ago I was the happiest among my friends, even among those planning their weddings! ;)
I was celebrating being single all the time, feeling that I have the responsibility of myself only. No husband, no responsibility, no house work, nothing. GREAT! (At least for the time being!) I can do whatever I please, no need to think of someone else’s approval for the smallest details of my days.

I enjoyed my job so much with all its challenges. A job that many of my colleagues and friends wished they have. I always knew I was successful, but now I feel myself buried between collapsing walls.

My family is great and I always enjoyed their overprotection and accepted it as being a form of love. Now... I am choking with it.

I always enjoyed giving advices to my older friends and younger brothers. Now… I feel ashamed of having to listen to the long lectures I myself used to give.

Well…Now and NOW only.
I have to go back. I have to enjoy the mornings I am waking up to. My drive to work. My success at work. The love of my family and friends. And what tomorrow hides for me.
Some say that I’m in need for new goals and challenges to get back on track. True, but I think that first I have to be on acceptable ground with what I have today in order to have a clearer mind and to be able to focus more on the future.
I have to be Happy today in order to be Happy tomorrow. Else, I will be depressed today and at a psychotherapist’s clinic tomorrow.

Bored

What can we do when we are bored to death?
I don’t mean bored like when you don’t have anything to do.
I mean being bored with so many things to do throughout your day.
I work long hours (8-5) and then after 5pm I am free to do all that I favour.
At work I am bored, while reading I am bored, while watching TV I am bored, even when I went out for fun.
Imagine Alley, (for all those who had been there u know what I mean) with all the fun and music that you can enjoy there. Yes… there I was bored much more than imagined. I swallowed my food and just wanted to leave.
I don’t feel like going out, and I don’t feel like socialising, as these days anytime you meet someone in Lebanon you either discuss war, the shattered lives, the deaths of dear people, or simply argue about politics. All this make me sink more in my boredom.

I feel empty and hollow inside.
I don’t know what might be the cure for that.
On top of all that I miss my brothers who are all abroad.
Will my life find an interesting route again?
I used to enjoy a full time life that I barely had time to sleep or to think clearly. Now I have all the time to think of a lot. This, however, is not very good for people like me who analyse a lot and who try to find reasons for everything. I know that in life there are so many illogical situations and unjustified behaviours. But now I might become even more critical and more lost.

I have to find something to do that would occupy my time and brain, or else all my feelings will dry and so would my brain

Feeling The Place.

To what extent do we belong to a place?
Honestly… you won’t know until you experience it.
Two years ago, a dear Saudi friend came to Lebanon for work for the first time after about 25 years. In his childhood and teenage years he used to come to Bhamdoun with his family for summer vacations.
So, once we decided to have a ride over the mountains and have lunch somewhere nice. I drove to Alley and Bhamdoun. He started remembering the area and believe it or not, he directed me through the small old streets of the village that I had never been there before.
To my surprise, on our way he told me that in a few seconds and on my right I will see a steep small path and at the top end there is an old house that used to belong to his family.
He kept saying “ya Allah, you can’t imagine the feelings you brought into me driving me here, you took me back so many years, back to my childhood. We used to go up and down that steep path so many times a day and never got tired, I think I can’t take more than a few steps up the path now. I am so happy. Thank you”.
And he was happy and appreciative.
I was so grateful for making my dear friend so happy, but honestly I couldn’t fully understand him . I wasn’t able to value such a feeling, such a moment.

However, and out of no where, I lived the same experience, almost the same, with my father last week.
He decided to take me out for a change of mood after the war. We went up the mountain for a routine drive. The weather was a bit better than on the coast with less humidity.
While enjoying the magnificent scenery, dad decided to turn left to a side road and he drove all the way to Hammana and Falougha. It had been long since I last went there.
A sense of expectation overfilled me. Is everything still in place there? The restaurants, hotel, café’s, hair dressers etc., are they still open? Same management? The houses? The people? I couldn’t wait to get there.
We finally arrived. I saw the house we rented for one month only, ten years ago. I also saw the house our friends rented.
WOW….
What a feeling. I cant say that all I felt was happiness, excitement, or missing the place. I don’t know what it was. Although we stayed there for such a short period, but somehow I felt the place. It was part of my childhood. Yes, one month is part of my childhood. Some might say that one month is so short to be significant. I say that everyday, every hour and moment is an important part of our life.
The place was still the same. However, I am now 10 years older, 3650 days, countless moments and events. Countless lessons.
Since I have driven away from the main subject, let me go back and try to finish my point.
What I wanted to say is that because I have experienced the feeling of ‘a place from my childhood’ I know that I fully understand my friend and his feelings.
After all, childhood might be the best period of our lives, and it sure shapes our adulthood.

N.B. Bhamdoun, Hammana, & Falougha are 3 famouse villages in mount Lebanon

Death & Looks

Why is it that when we hear of a death of someone we dont know we feel pity for the person's youth and fate for a few seconds and then we carry on with the task on hand.

However, if we have seen the person only once, even if only on TV, i.e. we have no direct contact with, we feel a pain in our chest and sympathise with the family in addition to feeling sorry for the loss of that person?

Is it because we can link the fate to a specific individual and not to a ghost?

Is it because the death becomes more personal?

Is it because we believe the incident more when we know how the person looks like?

I dont really know.