Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Miss U ...

I suddenly miss everyone I know.
I don’t know why, and I have no reason to.
Is this a sign for something?
Am I going to die soon?
Am I missed at the same moment by the same people?
Don’t know.
I am not negative at all, but this is just a thought today at 2:00 pm lebanon time.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Positive ....
I am trying to be positive today...
Can anyone help?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Relative to my previous post, I want to talk about happiness.
Is there a scale to measure happiness? Is it a state by itself? What are the prerequisites for happiness?
Well, I think that Happiness is relative and as such it differs from one person to another.
Some people think that their happiness lies in the area of their deprivation.
People who have no children think that a baby would certainly bring back happiness to them. Others think that when they change their job they would achieve the ultimate Happiness. Others, especially young ladies tired from their fathers’ control, wish to marry to be happy.
And so on…
However, I think that Happiness is with what we have now and not what we are deprived of and what we wish to obtain.
Happiness is now and today.
This means that we have to practice to be thankful with what we have in order to become happy today.
We need to have a certain level of acceptability to our current situation so as to be happy, but not to the extent of losing our enthusiasm for achieving long-term goals. This is because happiness is on the way and not the destination.
For example, I find that we enjoy preparing for a wedding or a party more than the celebration (of a few hours) itself. We might be preparing for weeks or even months and the celebration ends in just a few hours.

However, the difficult question is here… How can we enjoy what we have today??
I honestly don’t know.
As I grew up I practiced patience to change the things I can (until I do change them), and acceptability of the things I cannot change (until the situation changes by itself). And believe it or not, I was always thankful and happy, feeling that I have all that I want in life.
But…. Now I feel I have nothing.
A few weeks ago I was the happiest among my friends, even among those planning their weddings! ;)
I was celebrating being single all the time, feeling that I have the responsibility of myself only. No husband, no responsibility, no house work, nothing. GREAT! (At least for the time being!) I can do whatever I please, no need to think of someone else’s approval for the smallest details of my days.

I enjoyed my job so much with all its challenges. A job that many of my colleagues and friends wished they have. I always knew I was successful, but now I feel myself buried between collapsing walls.
My family is great and I always enjoyed their overprotection and accepted it as being a form of love. Now... I am choking with it.
I always enjoyed giving advices to my older friends and younger brothers. Now… I feel ashamed of having to listen to the long lectures I myself used to give.
Well…Now and NOW only.
I have to go back. I have to enjoy the mornings I am waking up to. My drive to work. My success at work. The love of my family and friends. And what tomorrow hides for me.
Some say that I’m in need for new goals and challenges to get back on track. True, but I think that first I have to be on acceptable ground with what I have today in order to have a clearer mind and to be able to focus more on the future.
I have to be Happy today in order to be Happy tomorrow. Else, I will be depressed today and at a psychotherapist’s clinic tomorrow.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


What can we do when we are bored to death?
I don’t mean bored like when you don’t have anything to do.
I mean being bored with so many things to do throughout your day.
I work long hours (8-5) and then after 5pm I am free to do all that I favour.
At work I am bored, while reading I am bored, while watching TV I am bored, even when I went out for fun.
Imagine Alley, (for all those who had been there u know what I mean) with all the fun and music that you can enjoy there. Yes… there I was bored much more than imagined. I swallowed my food and just wanted to leave.
I don’t feel like going out, and I don’t feel like socialising, as these days anytime you meet someone in Lebanon you either discuss war, the shattered lives, the deaths of dear people, or simply argue about politics. All this make me sink more in my boredom.
I feel empty and hollow inside.
I don’t know what might be the cure for that.
On top of all that I miss my brothers who are all abroad.
Will my life find an interesting route again?
I used to enjoy a full time life that I barely had time to sleep or to think clearly. Now I have all the time to think of a lot. This, however, is not very good for people like me who analyse a lot and who try to find reasons for everything. I know that in life there are so many illogical situations and unjustified behaviours. But now I might become even more critical and more lost.
I have to find something to do that would occupy my time and brain, or else all my feelings will dry and so would my brain

Friday, September 01, 2006

Feeling The Place.

To what extent do we belong to a place?
Honestly… you won’t know until you experience it.
Two years ago, a dear Saudi friend came to Lebanon for work for the first time after about 25 years. In his childhood and teenage years he used to come to Bhamdoun with his family for summer vacations.
So, once we decided to have a ride over the mountains and have lunch somewhere nice. I drove to Alley and Bhamdoun. He started remembering the area and believe it or not, he directed me through the small old streets of the village that I had never been there before.
To my surprise, on our way he told me that in a few seconds and on my right I will see a steep small path and at the top end there is an old house that used to belong to his family.
He kept saying “ya Allah, you can’t imagine the feelings you brought into me driving me here, you took me back so many years, back to my childhood. We used to go up and down that steep path so many times a day and never got tired, I think I can’t take more than a few steps up the path now. I am so happy. Thank you”.
And he was happy and appreciative.
I was so grateful for making my dear friend so happy, but honestly I couldn’t fully understand him . I wasn’t able to value such a feeling, such a moment.

However, and out of no where, I lived the same experience, almost the same, with my father last week.
He decided to take me out for a change of mood after the war. We went up the mountain for a routine drive. The weather was a bit better than on the coast with less humidity.
While enjoying the magnificent scenery, dad decided to turn left to a side road and he drove all the way to Hammana and Falougha. It had been long since I last went there.
A sense of expectation overfilled me. Is everything still in place there? The restaurants, hotel, cafĂ©’s, hair dressers etc., are they still open? Same management? The houses? The people? I couldn’t wait to get there.
We finally arrived. I saw the house we rented for one month only, ten years ago. I also saw the house our friends rented.
What a feeling. I cant say that all I felt was happiness, excitement, or missing the place. I don’t know what it was. Although we stayed there for such a short period, but somehow I felt the place. It was part of my childhood. Yes, one month is part of my childhood. Some might say that one month is so short to be significant. I say that everyday, every hour and moment is an important part of our life.
The place was still the same. However, I am now 10 years older, 3650 days, countless moments and events. Countless lessons.
Since I have driven away from the main subject, let me go back and try to finish my point.
What I wanted to say is that because I have experienced the feeling of ‘a place from my childhood’ I know that I fully understand my friend and his feelings.
After all, childhood might be the best period of our lives, and it sure shapes our adulthood.

N.B. Bhamdoun, Hammana, & Falougha are 3 famouse villages in mount Lebanon