Wednesday, December 27, 2006

My dear friend.... I'm trying to understand u

"All the men i knew were able to fall in love and get married...... but not to me"
she said with a straight look in her eye, and she cried.
She cried for her emotions.
She cried for all the good memories she gave all the men she knew.
She cried for understanding all of them who passed through her life but who never understood her.
She cried for her youth.
She cried for her worn out emotions and her long wasted years.
She cried for the lost love and the 'never showed up' love.
She cried because of her loneliness.

I listened and listened.
I tried to understand her.
I tried to make her feel better and to let all out of her mind and feelings.
I wanted her to feel better, but would she?
I myself felt bad enough to hear all that distress in her voice, and see all the agony in her tears.
Can I really help?

I know that she does not need understanding, that she needs to be lifted off her misery and be given a straight and final solution.
Trying to understand her is not enough, i know.
But what can one do to someone who says "i forgot how two people who are in love behave, what they do and what they say to each other, how they feel when together and how they miss each other when separated."

Saturday, December 23, 2006

قومي يا بيروت قومي

"ستقتلون لبنان وتندمون"

نزار قباني

سألوني شو صاير ببلد العيد

مزروعة عالداير نار وبواريد

قلتلون بلدنا عم يخلق جديد

لبنان الكرامة والشعب العنيد

غناء السيدة فيروز

يستحق لبنان السلام. يستحق الحياة.

الصحافي فؤاد ابو زيد - جريدة الديار 23/12/2006
يا بيروت يا ست الدنيا يا بيروت
نعترف أمام الله الواحد نعترف
بأنا جرحناك
وأنا أتعبناك
وأنا حرقناك وأبكيناك
وأهديناك مكان الوردة سكينة
غناء السيدة ماجدة الرومي

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

New Rules, Principles and Logic .

Why have i become so violent?
Did i lose my kindness, calmness, leniency?
I used to be accused of being so much diplomatic.
It happened that i have become so much strict and rigid.
My stubbornness is killing me.
My expired principles are chocking me.
Am I throwing all my trouble and sadness in the face of anyone who cares to come closer to me and it happens that he came late?
So what if he came late?
Does he deserve all that bitterness?
Is he the one to blame?
I am not to blame, and definitely not him.
I need to go back and try to bring the peace inside of me again.
It hurts so much to be stubborn.
As for my rules and principles, they have really become out of date and obsolete so long ago.
It is true that i need to amend my principles.
However, it is very hard to accept today what you refused all your life.
I think i will try and live without all these principles and rules for a few weeks.
I will stop talking logic, thinking logic, and analysing logic.
Logic is "OUT" temporarily.
I will try and go back to my childhood, maybe then i will be able to establish new rules, principles, and logic.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Pitty Lebanon

7aram ya libneen...

7aram libneen...


Thursday, November 16, 2006


I got angry from a small word said by my auditor.
A word he should not have said to me, but he was rescued, from me ;) by my boss who called after him and gave him a nice strong lecture not to disturb me anymore.

I am still angry.
My stomach aches and my face is boiling.
And i am angry.

Strange how a small word can take a calm person from paradise to a volcano.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Julia Botros...

عاشت جوليا المقاومه

We waited for her for 3 hours.

Every time our patience started to decline, someone came and filled us again, with hope, expectation and patience

The atmosphere was glamorous, fabulous, intoxixating.

Her brother, ZIAD, was almost running throughout the place, making sure everything was in place and running smoothly and as planned.

People gathered at the door waiting to be let in.

Men in suits and women in night dresses. Others wearing jeans and some wearing training suits.

Some had their hair done while others barely had combed it.

Strange this woman that can gather such a mixture of social classes.

It wasn't a question of the number of attendants as i believe that anyone, with good advertisement, can gather relatively acceptable number, but JULIA has her special taste.

Everything was in place. And everyone at his place. As if even the crowd had rehearsed for days. The discipline was more than expected, thanks to the security persons and thanks mainly to the people who came in to celebrate with Julia, and wanted nothing more.

WOW Julia.

She came in between the cloud of smoke, and at the clapping of the old and the shouting of the youngsters who entertained the crowed for 2 hours before Julia appeared on stage.

"من لوّث أرضي بدمائه قد رحل الآن، وفر كذليل تائه، كأي جبان،... قد هزم الآن، انتصر لبنان"

Is her new song.

She started with her new song "Lebanon Won". It was a great song dedicated to our beloved country that survived despite the wounds.

She captured the eyes, the brains, the hearts for 2 hours.

I am still captured untill today. I am still intoxicated.

I did not want to blink as i was afraid i might lose the connection with this respectful woman who was greeted by 6000 persons all stood to welcome her on stage.

Fists were punching the air, all singing with her and screaming "قاوم فيداك الاعصار" and "منرفض نحنا نموت".

She had to return to the stage 3 times before ending the show, as if she was also captured by the atmosphere and didn't want to leave.

People threw flowers at this great woman who declared her love for Lebanon over and over again.
Her discipline was very obvious everytime she tried to hide the little bit of her shoulders showing from her dress.

She made us proud we were lebanese because she was one.

JULIA BOTROS, may you live long so that more and more people would feel, as we did yesterday, the pride of belonging to the SMALL-GREAT RESISTANT LEBANON.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

There were moments when I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore and that I would collapse, but I was always wrong. I survived and became more strong.




Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Miss U ...

I suddenly miss everyone I know.
I don’t know why, and I have no reason to.
Is this a sign for something?
Am I going to die soon?
Am I missed at the same moment by the same people?
Don’t know.
I am not negative at all, but this is just a thought today at 2:00 pm lebanon time.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Positive ....
I am trying to be positive today...
Can anyone help?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Relative to my previous post, I want to talk about happiness.
Is there a scale to measure happiness? Is it a state by itself? What are the prerequisites for happiness?
Well, I think that Happiness is relative and as such it differs from one person to another.
Some people think that their happiness lies in the area of their deprivation.
People who have no children think that a baby would certainly bring back happiness to them. Others think that when they change their job they would achieve the ultimate Happiness. Others, especially young ladies tired from their fathers’ control, wish to marry to be happy.
And so on…
However, I think that Happiness is with what we have now and not what we are deprived of and what we wish to obtain.
Happiness is now and today.
This means that we have to practice to be thankful with what we have in order to become happy today.
We need to have a certain level of acceptability to our current situation so as to be happy, but not to the extent of losing our enthusiasm for achieving long-term goals. This is because happiness is on the way and not the destination.
For example, I find that we enjoy preparing for a wedding or a party more than the celebration (of a few hours) itself. We might be preparing for weeks or even months and the celebration ends in just a few hours.

However, the difficult question is here… How can we enjoy what we have today??
I honestly don’t know.
As I grew up I practiced patience to change the things I can (until I do change them), and acceptability of the things I cannot change (until the situation changes by itself). And believe it or not, I was always thankful and happy, feeling that I have all that I want in life.
But…. Now I feel I have nothing.
A few weeks ago I was the happiest among my friends, even among those planning their weddings! ;)
I was celebrating being single all the time, feeling that I have the responsibility of myself only. No husband, no responsibility, no house work, nothing. GREAT! (At least for the time being!) I can do whatever I please, no need to think of someone else’s approval for the smallest details of my days.

I enjoyed my job so much with all its challenges. A job that many of my colleagues and friends wished they have. I always knew I was successful, but now I feel myself buried between collapsing walls.
My family is great and I always enjoyed their overprotection and accepted it as being a form of love. Now... I am choking with it.
I always enjoyed giving advices to my older friends and younger brothers. Now… I feel ashamed of having to listen to the long lectures I myself used to give.
Well…Now and NOW only.
I have to go back. I have to enjoy the mornings I am waking up to. My drive to work. My success at work. The love of my family and friends. And what tomorrow hides for me.
Some say that I’m in need for new goals and challenges to get back on track. True, but I think that first I have to be on acceptable ground with what I have today in order to have a clearer mind and to be able to focus more on the future.
I have to be Happy today in order to be Happy tomorrow. Else, I will be depressed today and at a psychotherapist’s clinic tomorrow.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


What can we do when we are bored to death?
I don’t mean bored like when you don’t have anything to do.
I mean being bored with so many things to do throughout your day.
I work long hours (8-5) and then after 5pm I am free to do all that I favour.
At work I am bored, while reading I am bored, while watching TV I am bored, even when I went out for fun.
Imagine Alley, (for all those who had been there u know what I mean) with all the fun and music that you can enjoy there. Yes… there I was bored much more than imagined. I swallowed my food and just wanted to leave.
I don’t feel like going out, and I don’t feel like socialising, as these days anytime you meet someone in Lebanon you either discuss war, the shattered lives, the deaths of dear people, or simply argue about politics. All this make me sink more in my boredom.
I feel empty and hollow inside.
I don’t know what might be the cure for that.
On top of all that I miss my brothers who are all abroad.
Will my life find an interesting route again?
I used to enjoy a full time life that I barely had time to sleep or to think clearly. Now I have all the time to think of a lot. This, however, is not very good for people like me who analyse a lot and who try to find reasons for everything. I know that in life there are so many illogical situations and unjustified behaviours. But now I might become even more critical and more lost.
I have to find something to do that would occupy my time and brain, or else all my feelings will dry and so would my brain

Friday, September 01, 2006

Feeling The Place.

To what extent do we belong to a place?
Honestly… you won’t know until you experience it.
Two years ago, a dear Saudi friend came to Lebanon for work for the first time after about 25 years. In his childhood and teenage years he used to come to Bhamdoun with his family for summer vacations.
So, once we decided to have a ride over the mountains and have lunch somewhere nice. I drove to Alley and Bhamdoun. He started remembering the area and believe it or not, he directed me through the small old streets of the village that I had never been there before.
To my surprise, on our way he told me that in a few seconds and on my right I will see a steep small path and at the top end there is an old house that used to belong to his family.
He kept saying “ya Allah, you can’t imagine the feelings you brought into me driving me here, you took me back so many years, back to my childhood. We used to go up and down that steep path so many times a day and never got tired, I think I can’t take more than a few steps up the path now. I am so happy. Thank you”.
And he was happy and appreciative.
I was so grateful for making my dear friend so happy, but honestly I couldn’t fully understand him . I wasn’t able to value such a feeling, such a moment.

However, and out of no where, I lived the same experience, almost the same, with my father last week.
He decided to take me out for a change of mood after the war. We went up the mountain for a routine drive. The weather was a bit better than on the coast with less humidity.
While enjoying the magnificent scenery, dad decided to turn left to a side road and he drove all the way to Hammana and Falougha. It had been long since I last went there.
A sense of expectation overfilled me. Is everything still in place there? The restaurants, hotel, café’s, hair dressers etc., are they still open? Same management? The houses? The people? I couldn’t wait to get there.
We finally arrived. I saw the house we rented for one month only, ten years ago. I also saw the house our friends rented.
What a feeling. I cant say that all I felt was happiness, excitement, or missing the place. I don’t know what it was. Although we stayed there for such a short period, but somehow I felt the place. It was part of my childhood. Yes, one month is part of my childhood. Some might say that one month is so short to be significant. I say that everyday, every hour and moment is an important part of our life.
The place was still the same. However, I am now 10 years older, 3650 days, countless moments and events. Countless lessons.
Since I have driven away from the main subject, let me go back and try to finish my point.
What I wanted to say is that because I have experienced the feeling of ‘a place from my childhood’ I know that I fully understand my friend and his feelings.
After all, childhood might be the best period of our lives, and it sure shapes our adulthood.

N.B. Bhamdoun, Hammana, & Falougha are 3 famouse villages in mount Lebanon

Monday, August 28, 2006

Death & Looks

Why is it that when we hear of a death of someone we dont know we feel pity for the person's youth and fate for a few seconds and then we carry on with the task on hand.

However, if we have seen the person only once, even if only on TV, i.e. we have no direct contact with, we feel a pain in our chest and sympathise with the family in addition to feeling sorry for the loss of that person?

Is it because we can link the fate to a specific individual and not to a ghost?

Is it because the death becomes more personal?

Is it because we believe the incident more when we know how the person looks like?

I dont really know.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Article : Letter from Lebanon, The Proximity of Death, By BARUCHA PELLER

"The Zionists argue that Israel is defending its right to exist. Even one of the international ceasefire conditions "Israel has a right to defensive strikes..", the same condition not given to any Lebanese resistance. Israel's right to exist, to defend itself: 1056 Lebanese civilians dead. Civilians dead, in defense of Israel. Lebanese civilians must cease to exist, their bodies reduced to shreds, weightless ashes, or a collective scene of decomposition -- so that Israel can exist. Not only men, women, children, babies, grandparents - but gas, food, water, roads, communities, children's toys in their bedroom's, books, photographs, hope, electricity, art, memories, schools, playgrounds, villages, cherry trees......all in defense of Israel."

"What will people in the US do? Will they watch TV, learn about Lebanese people as correspondents stumble over the pronunciation of "Shia"?Will they listen to speeches at protests downtown, go home, and smile at their children, grateful they are not the unfortunate Lebanese? Or will they begin to participate in mass, targeted, direct action? Will they blockade ports, roads, highways? Will they shut down universities and companies invested in Israel? Will they hold CNN accountable for its incorrect, biased journalism?
Will they allow thousands to remain here so close to death?"

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

No Comment.....

Jostein Gaarder

Translation of Jostein Gaarder's article in Aftenposten, August 5, 2006

God's chosen people

Israel is history. We no longer recognize the State of Israel. There is no way back. The State of Israel has raped the world's recognition and will get no peace until it lays down its weapons. The State of Israel in its current form is history, writes Jostein Gaarder.
No way back. It is time to learn a new refrain: We no longer recognize the State of Israel. Vi couldn't recognize the apartheid regime in South Africa, we didn't recognize the Taliban regime in Afghanistan. And there were many who didn't recognize Saddam Hussein's Iraq, or the Serb ethnic cleansing. So now we must get used to the thought: the State of Israel, in its current form, is history.
We don't believe in the illusion of God's chosen people. We laugh at this people's conceits and cry over its misdeeds. To act as God's chosen people is not only stupid and arrogant, but a crime against humanity. We call it racism.
Limits for tolerance
Our patience has its limits, and so does our tolerance. We don't believe in divine promises as a basis for occupation and apartheid. We have left the Middle Ages behind us. We are embarrassed by those who believe that the god of plants, animals and galaxies has appointed one particular people as its favorites and given them funny stone tablets, burning bushes and a license to kill.
We call those who murder children child-murderers and will never accept that such people have a divine or historical mandate that can excuse their shameful acts. We can only say: shame over all apartheid, shame over ethnic cleansing, shame over all terrorist acts against civilians, whether perpetrated by Hamas, Hizballah, or the State of Israel!
Art of war without scruples
We recognize and accept fully Europe's deep responsibility for the fate of the Jews, for the shameful harrassment, the pogroms and the Holocaust. It was historically and morally necessary that the Jews got their own home. But the State of Israel has with its unscrupulous art of war and repulsive weapons massacred its own legitimacy. It has systematically violated international law, conventions, and numerous UN resolutions and can no longer expect protection from such quarters. It has carpet bombed the world's recognition. But have no fear! The hard times are nearly over. Israel has seen its Soweto.
We are at the watershed. There is no way back. The State of Israel has raped the world's recognition and will not see peace until it lays down its arms.
No defense, no skin
May spirit and words blow Israel's apartheid walls over. The State of Israel doesn't exist. It is without defense now, without skin. May the world have mercy on the civilian population. Because our prophecies of doom are not directed at the individual civilians.
We want the people in Israel everything well, everything well, but we reserve the right to not eat Jaffa oranges as long as they taste badly and are poisonous. We easily managed without the blue apartheid grapes for a few years.
They celebrate the triumphs
We don't believe that Israel mourns more over 40 Lebanese children than they for the last three thousand years have complained about 40 years in the desert. We take note that many Israelis celebrate such triumphs the way they once celebrate the Ten Plagues as "suitable punishment" for the Egyptian people. (In this story the Lord of Israel appears as an insatiable sadist). We ask ourselves if one Israeli life is worth more than 40 Lebanese or Palestinian [lives].
For we have seen the pictures of Israeli girls who write hateful messages on the bombs to be released over the civilian population of Lebanon and Palestine. Israeli girls are not cute when they take pleasure in death and agony on the other side of the front lines.
Retribution of the vendetta
We do not recognize the rhetoric of the State of Israel. We do not recognize the the bloody spiral of retribution of the vendetta and an "eye for an eye." We do not recognize the principle of ten thousand Arab eyes for one or two Israeli eyes. We do not recognize collective punishment or population diets as a political weapon. It's been two thousand years since a Jewish rabbi criticized the ancient doctrine of an "eye for an eye."
He said: "All that you would others do for you, you should do for them." We do not recognize a state that is built on anti-humanitarian principles and the ruins of an archaic religion of nationalism and war. Or, as Albert Schweitzer put it, "humanity is to never sacrifice a human for a cause."
Mercy and forgiveness
We do not recognize the old kingdom of David as normative for the 21st century's map of the Middle East. The Jewish rabbi who claimed two thousand years ago that the kingdom of God is not a resurrection of David's realm, but that the kingdom of God is within us and among us. God's kingdom is one of mercy and forgiveness.
It's been two thousand years since the Jewish rabbi disarmed and thoroughly humanized old war rhetoric. Already in his time there were Zionist terrorists.
Israel doesn't listen
For two thousand years, we have emphasize the curriculum of humanity, but Israel doesn't listen. It wasn't the Pharisean who helped the man who lay on the side of the road because he had been attacked by robbers. It was a Samaritan, today we'd say a Palestinian. Because first we are human - Christians, Muslims, or Jews. Or as the Jewish rabbi said: "And if you greet each in a friendly way, so what?" We do not accept the abduction of soldiers. But we do not recognize the deportation of entire groups of people and the abduction of lawfully elected parliamentarians or members of a cabinet, either.
We recognize the State of Israel of 1948, but not of 1967. That is the State of Israel that doesn't recognize, respect, and yield to the legal 1948 state. Israel wants more - more villages, and more water. To achieve this some are enlisting God's help to find a final solution to the Palestinian question. Some Israeli politicians claim that the Palestinians have so many countries, while we have only one.
USA or the world?
Or as Israel's highest protector puts it: "May God continue to bless America." A little child noted this and asked the mother: "Why does the president always end his speeches with God bless America? Why doesn't he say God bless the world?"
And then there was a Norwegian poet [Henrik Wergeland] who exclaimed the following childlike sigh: "Why does humanity progress so slowly?" He was the one who wrote so beautifully about the Jew and the Jewess [two epic poems by Wergeland]. But he rejected the the illusion of a chosen people. He called himself a Muslim.
Calm and mercy
We do not recognize the State of Israel. Not today, as we write this, in our hour of sorrow and rage. If the nation of Israel should fall under its own acts, and parts of its population must flee the occupied areas and into another diaspora, we say: May those around them show them mercy and calm now. It is always a crime without any mitigating circumstances to to lay a hand on refugees and the stateless.
Peace and right of passage for the fleeing civilians who no longer have a state that can protect them! Don't shoot at the refugees! Don't aim at them! They are as vulnerable as snails without their houses now, vulnerable like the slow-moving caravans from Palestinian and Lebanese refugees, defenseless as the women, children, and elderly in Qana, Gaza, and Sabra and Shatila. Give the Israeli refugees shelter, give them milk and honey!
Don't let a single Israeli child's life be lost. Too many children and civilians have already been murdered.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

From Addiyar Newspaper 3/8/2006

:كتب الأستاذ شارل أيوب في الديار اليوم
اضرب أيها المقاوم، فجبينك مرفوع، انك تكتب التاريخ العربي الحقيقي، تكتب تاريخ لبنان ‏القوي، تحطم أسطورة "عنجهية الجيش الإسرائيلي، تتفوق بإيمانك، وبروحك على كل تكنولوجيا ‏أميركا وكل ترسانة اسرائيل.‏
"تمرّد يا أخي المقاوم، فمجد لبنان ومجد العرب ومجد البطولة أعطي لك انت "

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

سيبقى لبنان وطن الحياة

Saturday, July 29, 2006

In Lebanon We Will Remain Inshaa Allah

From Lebanon to ALL the Arab & Muslim World:
الضعف .. أن تكون أداة في أيدي الآخرين
أن تموت واقفًا خيرٌ من أن تعيش تحت الأقدام
إذا اخترت الحياة على الهامش فـاعلم أنك ستموت بدون عنوان

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

عندما يخذلون إحساسك الجميل
ويكسرون أحلامك بقسوة
ويرحلون عنك كالأيام في العمر
وينبت في قلبك جرح باتساع الفراغ خلفهم
ثم تأتي بهم الأيام إليك من جديد
فكيف تستقبل عودتهم وماذا تقول لهم؟ ؟؟
(qouted from an email received today)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

There are so many unanswered questions in life.

What are your questions?

My question or thought of the day:
How much can u live a lie of your own creation?